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| I told myself I wouldn't do this. I said I wouldn't do this anymore, and of course, stupid me, I did it again.
I always get myself into these situations. One sided affection for a person I barely know.
Why the hell do I do this to myself?
He makes me feel like this giddy teenage girl again. The kind I was back in middle school and the early high school years. I think it's just a super blast from the past.
I listen to all these alternative bands again and it makes me feel even more upset and depressed with myself, but at the same time, I get all nervous and happy too.
It's so incredibly frustrating because I know for a fact that there is no way in hell this could ever work. Nothing ever works.
I just imagine things and hope and wish for things to happen, but we all know that things don't get done that way.
I can never stop this horrendous cycle. I try so hard, but it doesn't work. And I honestly don't know what the hell I can do anymore to cope with this.
Just stop, please. Stop being cute and nice and funny and being the way you are.
Or I can just distance myself from you, like I usually do. Like I always do.
FML.
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| I know it doesn't matter. I know this is stupid and trivial. But I can't help feeling like I always mess things up. I move too fast and feel too much.
Eff.
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| I know I'm not perfect and I'm not immune to these things.
I know that I do it too. I poke fun at people without even meaning to. I make fun of others when I don't even realize it. But the simple thing is that, if I know I'm doing it, I won't do it.
And if I see people doing the same, I don't want to simply laugh along like everyone else does. It seriously bothers me a lot. Sure, they may not like a person, but that doesn't mean that they should say things behind their back and make fun of them. It doesn't mean they can disregard their feelings and just be plain rude.
They say it's being honest. But is it? Is it honest to make fun of people without their knowledge? Is it honest to pretend to be nice to their face, but turn around and say how much you dislike them later?
I don't think so.
I'm not saying I'm above it. But, I'd like to be. I'd like to be a kinder, more moral and humane person. It takes so much hard work though, but I'm willing to try. I'm willing to try to be a better person because it's not worth it to make people feel bad. People think that if they make fun of someone behind their back, they don't know it. But they always do. They always do and it hurts.
I should know. It hurts a lot and it's just not right to do something like that. Even if it's a joke or if you think it's funny, it's not. I won't put up with it, and even if you think I have a stick up my ass, I don't care. I won't sit there and listen to people making fun of people. I'll leave if I have to. And I did. I did have to.
There are some things I just can't stand, and this is one of them.
I'm a hypocrite, because I know I do it. But the difference between me and you? The difference is that I acknowledge how wrong it is and I try my best to stop it, to stop myself.
It's not worth the effort. Putting down people in order to make yourself look cooler? It's just not worth it.
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| Sometimes I just want to cry.
Not because I'm sad. But because sometimes we just need that. A good, long, emotional, heart-wrenching cry. A kind of cry that you only see in the movies and make fun of in your mind. A kind of cry that makes you yell and scream and fill your heart with nothing but pain.
A kind of cry that will make you feel so much better after. That kind of cry.
I feel like a hundred pound weight is just sitting in my chest, waiting for me to release it, and the only way out is to cry. For no apparent reason. Just a nice cry that will make everything in the background fade away. When the noise slows to a silence and you're alone in your room, just waiting for it to be over. Waiting for someone to pass by your door so you have an excuse to try and dry your eyes and pretend that you're perfectly fine, because you are fine. Because you're fine and okay and just perfectly great.
I need that.
That kind of cry. But I'm too afraid that if I start, I won't be able to stop, even if someone does pass by.
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| I know it's wrong.
I know that not everyone has the same convictions as I do. But sometimes, it feels like I'm the only one on this side of the line. The only one who neglects the party scene. The only one who doesn't see the excitement and fun in getting drunk and party hopping from place to place.
I know that's not true and some people agree with me on these issues. But I can't help thinking that I'm that one girl who everyone thinks has a stick up her ass because I fail to see the fun in slowly killing my liver.
I like being alone sometimes. I like being able to think and sit and just be. Just because I don't hang out with everyone 24/7 doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with people sometimes. It just means I like being able to hear myself think once in a while.
I wish I were a better person. I wish I was more understanding and accepting and just kind. I wish I was more intellectual and could bring more people to want to be the same way too. I don't want to be that teen who no one takes seriously. I don't want to be the uninformed youth who doesn't care about the future. I want to matter. I want to be someone who matters.
And maybe I already matter. I mean the rational part of me knows I matter. Everyone matters. But, I wish there was more. I wish I was more.
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